These are all clean jokes.
The Vet's Office
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a
veterinary clinic. As she laid her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook
his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has
passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean
you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left
the room returning in a few moments with a beautiful
black Labrador.
As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the
dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the parrot from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The
vet escorted the dog from the room and returned a
few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and
delicately sniffed the bird. The cat then sat back, shook
it's
head, meowed and ran out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but, like I said, your parrot is most definitely
100% certifiably dead."
He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few
keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS!" she cried.
"A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS just to tell me my bird
is dead?!"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it
the bill would only have been $20, but... what with
the Lab Report and the Cat Scan.....it's $150.00.
Powell & Bush
President Bush and Colin Powell
are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that
Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are
you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III ".
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time
and one gorgeous blonde.
The guy exclaimed, "A gorgeous blonde? Why kill a gorgeous blonde?
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, I
told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
Bad Parrot
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was
fully-grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every
other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives
were, to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He was
constantly saying polite words and playing soft music; he
tried everything he knew. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the
bird,the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder
and ruder.
Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in
the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking,
kicking and screaming horrible expletives. Then, suddenly, there was
quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt
the bird and opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and
said, "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my
language and actions, so I ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to
correct my behavior." David was astounded at the bird's change
of attitude and was about to ask what had changed him . .. .
when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"